The Millennial Christian

Last year, the cover of my journal—or should I say theme—was about me f***ing getting real and serious. I made a promise to myself to defeat the deep hurt, the deeply rooted lies, the deeply rooted sin that has, over the course of my life, reappeared like a terrible asthma cough. To look it in the eye and face it and to finally overcome. But careful what you wish for. For what I found was more of the same shit, especially when I thought I had conquered anything at all.

But that all changed when I got back to Munich. With too much time alone. And many giants to conquer I found out that I was outgunned and outmatched. Many nights I could not sleep, many days I read, prayed, and tied my boots as tight as I could to march again and again to find the victory. But it never came. It was more of the same. Relentless shame, guilt, poor self-image and poor self-talk came back 10 fold reminding of all that I have done.

Yet, one night while sitting on a train to Starnburg, Bavaria I was listening to “The Normal Christian Life” by a Chinese minister named Watchman Nee, it hit me. Like the brick that Kevin McCallister threw at Marv in Home Alone 2, I was whacked right in the head. Watchman said something(s) that were really profound.

He said” “The trouble in Romans 7 is that the man in the flesh tried to do something for God. As soon as you try to please God in that way, then you place yourself under law, and the experience of Romans 7 begins to be yours.”

And he continued…..

“God knows who I am; he knows that head to foot I am full of sin; he knows that I am weakness incarnate; that I can do nothing. The trouble is I do not know it.”

And again…

“We are so bad that he asks no favor and makes no demands.”

And then…

“No, the law was not given in expectation that we would keep it, it was given in the full knowledge that we would break it; and when we have broken it so completely as to be convinced of our utter need, then the Law has served its purpose.”

The sooner we give up trying the better, for if we monopolize the task, there is left no room for the Holy Spirit. But if we say: “I’ll not do it; I’ll trust thee to do it for me,” then we shall find that a Power stronger than ourselves is carrying us through.

And the result of these simple yet hard teachings? A 35-year-old man crying by a lake. Broken. Confused and defeated. I was the man who could not swim and had finally lost all his strength to swim anymore. I laid floating no life in my muscles to move another inch.

I found that all my efforts, all my attempts, all my fears, all the things you, the world, and everyone else said were so important—I saw how heavy they were, and I realized that I cannot do this. And so, I just dropped it. I let go of the matter of being good, of trying to be make anything of myself.

But while this story takes place closer to the present time, it really started in the Highlands in Scotland where I asked God to help me. I had told him that I would take the next steps to becoming whole. And when I got back to the USA, the first thing I did was I called my dear friend as an accountability buddy and said, “Take me to church.” I believe that was back in May. Then I went seven weeks straight and made no friends. Made no attempt to get integrated. I even told the pastor “no” to getting plugged in. My response was, “I am just glad I came here—I don’t need a small group, this just needs to be normal for me.”

This year, I fought until I could fight no more. And in the end, the Lord Jesus Christ won the battle, and He convinced me to lay down my sword and fight no more—but to follow Him. I’ll be honest, I hate using this lingo; for me, it means so much less than it should. When I say follow, what that ultimately means is exchanging my place in my heart and asking God—what say You?

So, what is next this year? Church? Holy Huddles? I’ll pray for you culture? Hey, do you know Jesus BS talk? Nope. None of that. I think you will have to tag along to see how the story unfolds. But I can tell you this—I have no fear of my future. I have no anxiety about what others think. Mostly, I think this is a start. I often have no idea what I am doing. Even this blog. What am I doing? I don’t know. I just know that Jesus has given me rest, and I don’t care about the fallout.

Discipline of the soul, for me, is remembering what I just shared and purposefully living that out. It’s about being in nature, it’s riding my bike, it’s cooking meals with clean ingredients, it’s loving my wife, loving my kids, loving my neighbor. It’s creating the environment and thankfulness that will keep my heart full and my spirit strong in what is true.

And to anyone out there who feels like they’re hanging by a thread-listen up. God didn’t just make a pinky promise to see you through. He made an iron-clad vow to finish what He started in you. So, if you’re out there grinding alone, or you’re just plain weary and in need of rest, then lean on God. You don’t need to say sorry, you don’t need to call anyone. You don’t need to be sober or even have a plan of action to show him for approval. Just take a break and allow him to give you rest. Just SIT.

When we stop all our efforts and truly quit that’s when he steps into our mess, our fight, our tangled-up lives, and doesn’t just stand by—He gets His hands dirty too. His love is beyond our understanding and his effort to connect, heal and care for us is relentless. No amount of hurt, shame, poor judgment can come between that. So, take a deep breath and square your shoulders, because the creator of all is working on a masterpiece, and guess what? You’re it.